What is that noise in my trunk?
An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
Now a true story - When Jim worked at the dealership, he had a repair order with the complaint of a noise in the rear quarter panel. Inside he found a bottle with a note in it - it was placed there when the vehicle was built - the note asked how long it took to find the noise! They had a good laugh that day!
If Microsoft were GM
Microsoft should make cars, GM should make software:
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same back-end size.
The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
From MAD Magazine Issue 154, October 1972
Don't You Hate...
... being the only one caught speeding when you were just going as fast as everyone else.
... getting into the "Exact Change Only" lane and ending up behind a guy who finds he hasn't got the exact change.
... when something happens the day after you let your comprehensive insurance expire.
... the nauseating smell of gasoline that wafts forward to tell you that they've over-filled your tank again.
... "One Way" and "No Turn" signs that take you miles out of your way. ... bumpers that are higher than yours.
... repair shops that always have to order the part you desperately need. ... finally getting into that moving lane only to find that it abruptly stops ... and your old one moves from then on.
... a convertible top that invariably fails to operate whenever there's a sudden cloudburst.
... lending your car to someone ... and after it's returned, the engine makes a strange sound you've never heard before.
... car radios that fade out at critical moments.
... finding a vacant space where you parked your car.
... strange noises that always disappear the minute you take your new car back to the dealer ... and re-appear again right after you leave.
... having to go to the bathroom on one of those new treeless, bushless, exitless super-highways.
... hearing the unmistakable sound of a failing engine when you're right smack in the middle of the worst section of town.
... people who carelessly track whatever they stepped into right into your brand new car.
... know-it-all mechanics who insist that it's perfectly okay to do exactly the opposite - or use other parts - than what the manufacturer of your car specifically recommends.
... people who let kids eat in your new car.
... two cars that take up three parking spaces.
... glimpsing your car keys in the ignition just as you're slamming the locked car door.
... getting a flat tire in the middle of nowhere when you're dressed to the hilt.
... lending someone your car with a full tank of gas - and having it returned with exactly two drops left.
... your new car's air conditioner that conks out during the first heat wave.
... reminding you of how the heater conked out during the first cold wave.
... being trapped between two huge trucks ... and having to go miles beyond your turn-off.
... forgetting where you parked your car in a 10,000 car parking lot. ... finding a strange new puddle in your garage.
... gas station attendants who act like they're doing you the biggest favor in the world when they finally get to you.
... returning to your car the next morning just as the last faint glimmer of light fades from your headlights.
check back soon for more laughs!